Starting off, I know what a lot (OK, probably all) of you are thinking: Why would you do this to yourself? Well the answer is easy: I don’t like who I am. I am a jerk. I have been a jerk to women. I have been a jerk to myself. I want to make a drastic change, and in order to make a drastic change, you need to do something drastic.
During the winter of 2018, I was going through a lot in my life, which will be discussed more in later posts. At this time, I had been talking to 5 girls concurrently. Three of them I had a genuine interest in, one was a very good friend whom I was talking to daily that I wouldn’t mind hooking up with and seeing where it would go, and the last I was not interested in but I liked the attention she gave me. I was sleeping with none of them, but I was hoping to sleep with all of them. Not at the same time, and to be honest there were some I was hoping to have sex with more than others, but regardless I wanted to be having sex with one or more of these ladies.
Within a matter of 2 weeks, I ruined things with all of them. All 5 of these young ladies are no longer speaking to me. The three girls I was generally interested in all relatively have the same story: I was interested in them and they just wanted to be friends. I made a move and they gave me a confused look and promised that everything was fine and it wasn’t awkward, and they were never heard from again.
The friend that I talked to daily is the one I am most ashamed of and ultimately the reason for this year-long decision. We have a past as sexual partners that was broken off, causing both of us pain. During a drunken weakness, I was overcome with a feeling of longing and love. Looking at her my heart exploded with desire and passion. I kissed her deeply, passionately. I poured my heart and soul into that kiss, and then I was sternly asked to leave. We had been working on becoming friends and we both were in a vulnerable state. She had stated on multiple instances that what she needed most right now was a friend. I obviously did not respect that and lost a dear friend due to my actions.
The final young lady I cut off via text. She is a mother and was looking for a long-term relationship. I still have no idea what I am looking for, but I was willing to use her to learn. She is beautiful and fun and I enjoyed her company greatly, but I did not have the same level of attraction for her as I did for the others. The reason I led her along for so long is because she had the most attraction for me. She is the one who liked me the most and I liked being liked. I essentially had no feelings for her and was just using her for the attention. After my friend had cut me out of her life, I became upset and self aware of what I was doing. Thinking that I could not feel worse, I broke things off with a text saying that I did not think we have enough time to see each other. She asked, “For the holidays or at all?” I said, “At all”, and she replied “OK”. That is it; that is the entire conversation. Jerk move to say the least.
The reasoning behind all of these women is simple: I want attention to counteract my lack of self-esteem. A beautiful woman can make you feel like the king of the world or the biggest piece of shit with nothing more then how they look at you. I have used that for years to determine the kind of person I am. It is how I have validated my feelings and actions. When speaking to a dear friend of mine, she told me that most people when they are upset turn to attractive friends in order to boost their ego and that this is natural, but wrong and unhealthy.
What I was told next inspired me to begin this journey. My dear friend told me of a friend of hers who had recently just completed a year off. He went an entire year without pursuing sex. A year to reset and refocus his life. She said that he was at a point that he needed a fresh start and couldn’t stop focusing on using sex as a validation point, so he just cut that validation off completely. Not getting laid became a matter of choice; it was under his control and therefore it no longer had control over him. This ground-breaking idea hit me like a hammer, but I wanted to take it one step further.
Porn has for a long time been an escape. It has taken up way too much time and has increasingly become more of a hassle than a pleasurable experience. I have used it more to fall asleep and de-stress then to relieve sexual tension. I feel to properly advance myself as a better person, porn needs to be added to this annex, as well.
This blog will be used as a resource to track progression, realizations, and the pain and suffering of this process. I will turn down sex and will be as straightforward and blunt as possible throughout this next year. I apologize for the graphic nature of this blog, but it is how I will show my authenticity, and I feel that is more important that my political-correctness. This resource will be used to ensure honesty and vulnerability, as well as accessibility as I will be able to do this blog from either my laptop or phone, regardless of location. This means no excuses for not posting.
I appreciate you joining my journey and I hope you are entertained by my struggle.