I Guess I’ll Kiss Myself When the Ball Drops

Being single for New Year’s eve has a range of emotions. It is fun for the first few hours and you try to hunt down other singles, but once that ball drops, you want to be sure that you have someone to kiss. Starting the New Year alone is not a good way to start the new year. The being said, choosing to start this New Year alone does really give you the full consequence of how long a year really is, especially a year without sex. 2018 was a very very long year. Can I make it through 2019? Will I sprout anew in 2020? Dear God I hope so because doing this for nothing is just terrible.

I have always worked for New Year’s eve. The money is always too good on the bar industry to give up. The first New Year’s eve party I ever worked, someone threw up exactly at midnight and I had to clean it up. Happy New Year to me, indeed. This year was significantly better. I walked outside and took in a deep breathe. I was alone but this time it was my choice. The difference is incredible. Do not get me wrong, being alone on “couple holidays” is never fun. That is why people throw I-Hate-Valentine’s-Day parties. But, there is a difference in mind set when you choose to do it alone. You choose peace. You choose to be happy with hope inspite of fear.

When you decide that you are going to be alone, you decide that you are going to be a better person. I have been reading a book by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. titled “The Five Levels of Attachment”. In this book, it talks about how loving yourself and improving yourself need to be separate actions that are not defined by one another. For example, I want to learn to speak Spanish. I have a goal set that I work on every single day in order to become more fluent in Spanish. However, it is not this goal that defines me. I am still a great person whether or not I achieve my goal. It is a simple change in phrasing from “Once I do this, then..” to “I will have accomplished this because”.

Learning another language my not be what you keep telling yourself that you need to accomplish before you love yourself. Maybe it sounds more like “Once I fit into a size 0, then I will love how I look”. Or “Once I go back to college, then I can truly feel smart”. Or, from my personal experience, “Once I make this much money, maybe then she will love me”. The feeling changes when the phrasing changes. “I love myself and I know that I will accomplish becoming a size 0 because I am strong and determined”, or “I know that I am smart and accomplishing my degree is a great way to show the world what I already know to be true about myself”. And my mindset change to “One day I will make this much money, and until then I will grind and fight to earn it, and if she doesn’t want to be there through the growth, then she doesn’t deserve to share this accomplishment with me”. It is an internal dialogue that you and only you are responsible for.

You loving yourself is not something that can be defined by any other outside force. It is only available through the two internal forces battling for your well-being: your self-esteem, and your fear.

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