Saying no sucks. This is the first time I’ve turned down going out. Tonight would have been fun. It would have been very fun and flirty. She is beautiful. And I said no. She even cocked her head at me in a perplexed way. I don’t think she is used to being turned down.
This feels like crap. I know I’m doing the right thing. I know my goals will be better. I’m starting a new routine tomorrow. I am meal prepped. I am excited to start anew, but this sucks. Feeling alone sucks.
I am thinking I lost my chance. I am thinking I’ll never have another one. I am thinking that she will choose someone else. I’ve never chosen myself before. I’ve never chosen to be by myself instead of with a woman. Even now I’m basing my happiness off being next to a beautiful girl.
I don’t even know if she is interested. I don’t know her intentions. All I know is that it felt good to sit next to her. But I choose me. I choose my future. I choose to take a chance and to have self esteem. This year is going to be hard. This sucks. The awareness sucks. Its like withdrawal from other people’s attention. I need to learn to be alone. No, I need to learn to be happy alone. That’s the difference.