This sucks

Saying no sucks. This is the first time I’ve turned down going out. Tonight would have been fun. It would have been very fun and flirty. She is beautiful. And I said no. She even cocked her head at me in a perplexed way. I don’t think she is used to being turned down.

This feels like crap. I know I’m doing the right thing. I know my goals will be better. I’m starting a new routine tomorrow. I am meal prepped. I am excited to start anew, but this sucks. Feeling alone sucks.

I am thinking I lost my chance. I am thinking I’ll never have another one. I am thinking that she will choose someone else. I’ve never chosen myself before. I’ve never chosen to be by myself instead of with a woman. Even now I’m basing my happiness off being next to a beautiful girl.

I don’t even know if she is interested. I don’t know her intentions. All I know is that it felt good to sit next to her. But I choose me. I choose my future. I choose to take a chance and to have self esteem. This year is going to be hard. This sucks. The awareness sucks. Its like withdrawal from other people’s attention. I need to learn to be alone. No, I need to learn to be happy alone. That’s the difference.

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