Dead Eyes

*This one might be a little TMI.

Alright so for the sake of transparency, I broke down and watched porn. It has been over a month since stimulation has happened. I got drunk and I wanted to watch porn and holy shit did I miss it. The convenience, the availability, and the diversity is just unparalleled. It looked great and felt great and was great… Until it wasn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy myself. But, I also ended up ruining it for myself. I knew I would too, because it’s the same reason I don’t like strip clubs. With strip clubs and porn, the fantasy is great and the feeling of attention is amazing, but deep down you know it’s not real. When it is something romantic shared between partners, there is a passion and enjoyment of the tease. Both parties enjoy it. Strippers and pornstars are actors. They put on a show that can be very convincing, except for the eyes.

I was watching porn and enjoying it. The girl was beautiful but I kept noticing that she would not make eye contact with the guy and she would not look into the camera. She was always staring off into the distance. It kept scratching at me and I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal. It was bothering me so much and I could not figure out why.

The scene continues and she still is just looking anywhere else. Then, she finally does it: she looks straight into the camera. In that moment is when I knew I would not watch porn again. When she looked into the camera, you could see her eyes completely glossed over. She was entirely zoned out; somewhere else entirely in the world. Not only was she not enjoying it, but she had completely removed herself from consciousness.

I couldn’t finish. I couldn’t go on. It was terrible. I turned off the screen and rolled over. What the hell happened? What is this? How did she get to this point? My mind was going a million miles a minute. I just couldn’t get over it. I felt disgusted. Not only was I breaking my pact, but for what? To watch some girl be basically lifeless? I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, ashamed and embarrassed. That’s when I started thinking about that look.

Not the dead eye look, but that connection look. Essentially, the exact opposite look of what he pornstar gave. The look when you are having passionate, intimate sex and your partner is just starting at you, worshiping you with their eyes; when your bodies cannot be close enough and you let instincts take control. It is intense and amazing and real. In that moment, it is the most real thing in the entire universe. That is what I miss. That is what I want.

It took watching porn for me to realize what I love about sex. Finishing is great, but I can do that myself. What is amazing about sex is having someone get pleasure out of causing me pleasure, and me getting pleasure out of pleasuring you. That’s the difference. Strip clubs and porn are selfish. Great sex is selfless.

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