*Family don’t read
I know, I know, it has been a long time since I have posted. I wasn’t being lazy. I was putting off writing because of guilt. I have decided to not give up porn. Ok, lets be real. I found that going a year without any sexual stimulation and going only from memories and fantasies is not feasible. I tried it, and I discovered that there is simply no way for me to do that.
I made it 3 weeks without masturbating. In the beginning, it was freeing. I was being more productive and had some extra free time. Then everything started to arouse me. Any sort of attention from a female would stimulate me. It became awkward and uncomfortable. I was looking at friends in a way that I was not comfortable looking at them. I did not like who I was becoming so I changed tactics. I understand that it is said that once you get through that phase then there is a freeing sense of clarity. Lets just say, I hear you, but I’m good.
I know my last post was all about how porn is bad and dead eyes. I know that I am a hypocrite. I know that I gave into weakness. It is true. A lot of me wanting to watch porn comes from loneliness and solitude. I know that it is not real. I know what I really want is for a woman to want to be sensual and romantic and passionate with me. I know this is just a cheap substitute. I feel it and I know it, but something is better than nothing. Because having nothing absolutely sucks. It is not a pretty answer. It is not an answer I am proud of, but it is the truth so I am choosing to stick to it.
So anyway, this is me being straightforward and honest. I made it 2 months without porn (yes I am rounding up, leave me alone math majors). I will not be trying again as it is unrealistic. I will continue to be strong with my other goals and progression. I will also become more realistic with this blog. Posting twice a week is doable and also insulting if I am unable to do it. So here we are: being vulnerable on the internet. Who would have thought that my Jiminy Cricket would be a 14″ computer screen.
I have a new schedule I am going to stick to. The schedule includes all of my goals and projects. It includes everything I want from this year. I have my days broken down by the hour. If I stick to this schedule, I will conquer 2019. The self-help books and accounts I follow on Instagram all have been saying that the only difference between a dream and a goal is a time line. The further you break down your dreams into smaller goals, the further you move along closer to your dream.
I have it broken down by the hour so that each hour I can work towards a better me. This does not mean a better me by societies’ standards, but mine. I have a quote from The Five Levels of Attachment by Miguel Ruiz, Jr (which is an ok book with some good over-arching themes) on my wall. It is one of the first things that I see when I wake up and one of the last things I see before turning the lights off at bed. The quote is:
“I will make this change for me.”
It is not saying “I don’t like who I am so I need to change”. That is a self-degrading, negative mentality. This quote is instead supporting the idea that I love myself enough to want to improve my standing and become even better. I choose to make this change for myself; not because anyone else is whispering in my ear, but because I love myself and want me to be happy and accomplish my goals.
I haven’t loved myself in a long time. I am excited to try it out. More to come soon. Much love, y’all.