I’m an adult

Most embarrassing thing about this entire process is that I am 28 years old. By literally everyone standards, I’m an adult. I have a great college degree. I have more than enough experience to get a full-time job. I can do so much and I can do so much but I’m still constantly being held back by this thinking of long-term values instead of one I’m supposed to do. It has become a mental and emotional weight to maintain this ideal that everything is going to workout following a path that is different than what your brain has been ingrained to think is correct.

I met a nice girl and we went out and had an amazing time. Nothing romantic, but it is just nice to hang out with someone you click with. She’s absolutely beautiful, our conversation is always perfect, and she’s really into superheroes. She’s extremely sexy and very sexual. She’s amazing and awesome and I have to tell her no because as a 28-year-old adult man I still am not emotionally or mentally capable of handling a relationship right now.

How am I supposed to admit that to somebody who I could honestly see myself having a future with? I had to just look her straight in the eye and tell her that I am not in a place right now that I can date and I don’t want to lead her on. I don’t want to break her heart.

I had to tell that to somebody that I could really see myself having a future with. I had to look her straight in the eye and say that “I am not man enough to date her,” and it sucks.

How am I supposed to be able to support her in case something were to happen or look out for her? We just went out for lunch and I’m already thinking about how I don’t know if I could have afforded that or if we were to make that a weekly thing I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Based on my goals and priorities as they stand right now, I could not take a young lady out for lunch. How should I feel about that? Because all I feel is disappointment in myself.

The goals I have right now and the things that I’m trying to pay off simply just can’t add up. I’m not working enough jobs to try to pay this off and I’m not living a life right now that any person would be subject to or that I would be comfortable asking a woman to do alongside me. The hours, my apartment, the way I eat and live are not suitable of anyone with class nor would I want to subject anyone to what I put myself through. Only thing I am truly proud of is my car (2005 Chrysler Seabring with no power steering, no cruise control, and rust everywhere, but her name is Baby and she is perfect and I love her).

There is currently a lot of suffering and sacrifice. That is enough for me to ask for myself but to ask it from somebody else I’m simply just too embarrassed and ashamed to do. It puts me in a very emotional and vulnerable place and something that I am not ready admit to others. This process is kicking my ass and taking its toll.

This entire process started because I get my self esteem from women and how I feel about myself based on how attractive ladies look at me and feel about me and whether or not they want to be with me. And now, I had to say something that I don’t know if I could have in the past: I had to sit and stare at this beautiful, smart, powerful work-ethic woman and tell her that I can’t date her because I am not emotionally ready for it.

She understood entirely and told me that she probably won’t be there when I am ready and I had to look at her and say I know and I hope that you find someone that truly makes you happy because you truly deserve it.

I don’t know where the silver lining is on this. I don’t see the rainbow at the end of the rain. I just feels like right now I’m standing in a pool of my own failure. I feel like a disappointment to myself, and if I am a disappointment to myself I obviously must be a disappointment to others, too. There’s certain things I wish I could give and certain parts of myself I wish we’re better. There are certain things about myself that I simply don’t accept. I want to be better and I need to be better

My age may say that I’m an adult and then I’m ready for these things, but I know deep down that I’m still a child who wishes he had somebody to guide him. But instead, I’m walking alone into the dark without a night light

this year off is taking a heavier toll than expected. I was hoping that I would get a lot more clarity, more self-confidence, and feel better about who I am and where I am in my life. It turns out, the way that I really feel is like a failure as an adult and I have to take time off in order to re-centralize myself. Most of my friends and family already have families of their own and have been in long lasting relationships.

I’ve gone nowhere in the last year. I’m making some leeway with little things in my life but it feels like all of those things have amounted to nothing. Some bills have gotten paid, my body is healthier, but things financially have gotten smoother at least, and life has gotten still smoother.

Life has progressed maybe not as much as I’d like but it is getting better I’m actively doing things to try to make it better. It just doesn’t make you feel better when you don’t take time to acknowledge your growth. I couldn’t imagine being a father right now. I couldn’t imagine being a husband right now. I couldn’t imagine being a boyfriend right now. So, I guess it’s a good thing I’m none of those things. I guess all I’m working for right now is to make sure that one day, I am good at those things.

I keep telling myself that one day I’ll find a girl that appreciates it and that’ll look at me and look at this process, and be grateful that I did it. What’s hard is to tell myself that I’ll look back at it myself and be happy and grateful that I did it. Because right now, all you truly feel is alone and all you truly feel is like a loser having to restart and reset yourself. It feels weak. I can think of many people in my life who would laugh and poke fun at the fact that I need to do this but the strange thing is is that all of those people are no longer in my life and for that I am more than grateful.

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