Bumblebee Tuna

I strongly encourage dating apps. The thought process behind it is very stray forward and intriguing. There could be somebody who lives within a mile radius of me who simply wakes up an hour earlier than I do to go to work or go to the gym, and because of that our schedules will never overlap and we’ll never meet each other. This person could be absolutely perfect for me. They could be my soulmate and just because I wake up a little bit later to go to work means that we will never meet.

Dating apps allow this issue to become obsolete. The idea of putting yourself out there to everyone in a given area and saying, “Hi this is me and I am ready to start dating in case you are interested.”

It is simple and straightforward to the point and obvious and allows for filtration and acceptance as well as rejection without having it be publicized. But as of all things there are drawbacks. Through these dating apps, you can go and try to find love except when you don’t. I’ve been using dating apps for almost a year now. I deleted them before I started this project but nights where I have been drinking or feeling lonely, I do reinstall and to start swiping again. I have not gone on a date but I have thought about it. Or at least, I would consider it except for the problem that no one is swiping back.

There’s a certain level of rejection that you feel when you put yourself out there and no one takes a nibble. I am reluctant to admit this but I have paid to use a dating app. With some of the apps you have the option to pay in order to see everyone who likes you without you needing to like them first. I have used this to make myself feel better when my self-esteem is low. When you have a lot of people interested in you and makes you feel good about yourself but when you have zero people interested in you after months, it hurts your soul.

I don’t know what to do with the information. I don’t know how I come across in my app or my profile to make myself unattractive in this region. I can come up with a million excuses, and I’ve made changes and adjustments to my profile to no avail.

So, this project teaches that you are in charge of how you see yourself and you are essentially in charge of how you feel. If I’m going to base my self esteem off of this profile, I’m up for a long life of disappointment and pain. This dating app is not important enough to me just make me feel like I need to prove myself and get a million likes a day in order to feel like I am worthy of a date. But, I would be lying if I said that it did not have any impact on me. I feel hurt and crushed and simply that I am not good enough.

I have since deleted my account. Not just deactivated, but completely deleted my account and profile. It feels like an admission of failure but it also feels like I am choosing myself and choosing to love myself more than the trying to change to find the love of others.

This is not a common practice for me and it does not feel comfortable at all. I don’t know if my self esteem will go up because of it. I’ll get more dates because of a different platform on a different technique. All I know is I did not like how I felt and so I got rid of it. I don’t know what my next option is, what my next goal is, what I’m going to do, where I’m going to go, or If I’ll ever get somebody to swipe right on me, but I do know that I won’t let some stupid app control how I feel.

I feel cheap. I feel like a loser. I feel like I’m not good enough for you. I feel disappointed in myself for letting something else have so much control over me. I’ve always defined my level of attractiveness based on how much the opposite sex finds me attractive. This doesn’t feel good.

I don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

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