Weird story that’s got a happy ending; I hope. I’m not one to spend money on myself, nor have I ever been. With this year of improvement, I’ve tried taking myself out more. And since I took myself to San Diego for 2 days for my birthday, I have wanted to travel more. The trip taught me that I can be alone with myself and that’s exciting and fun and all I need to do is a little planning and I can have a great time.
I wanted to go on a previous yoga trip but I thought they were too expensive. But then, the yoga instructor found a trip that was significantly cheaper. I put the request for time off for work not expecting to get the time off but pledging to myself that if I did then I would take the trip. That being said, I got the time off very quickly and paid the deposit and then the full amount for the trip probably faster than I should have.
I was excited for the trip and more excited because I didn’t have to plan anything. The trip was already set up, which includes yoga and meditation to help me mentally relax. And then, plans changed. Apparently, I was the only person who signed up for the trip. My yoga instructor implored me to try to get my money back as soon as possibly. I was rather disappointed but instantly started thinking of all the responsible things I could do with the money. I contacted the coordinator to try to get my money back, which he was willing to do. But, he had an alternative to canceling the trip…
Instead of canceling the trip, he just gave me an upgraded room and basically the broken down version of itinerary that I could choose to follow or not. I still had free range and ended up with some money to spare and since I have made that promise to myself and since I am still super cheap and wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to get my airfare back, I signed up for the trip and jumped in head first.
I just now got through my official first day in Bali. It was a 30-hour flight here. Today has already been very strange but progress has been made. I woke up and tried to follow the itinerary that was given to me for the yoga trip. The first stop was a temple. Upon arriving I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy it. The were merchants everywhere with shops and carts. They were basically shoving goods down my throat. I had to pay in order to use the bathroom, everybody was trying to use me for my money. I would say that I spent less than an hour at that temple.
I returned as soon as possible to try to make today better but it didn’t seem like it was going to go that way at all. I started stressing about money and started getting awkward and weird. I decided in my head, without even checking, that I didn’t have enough money and needed to take a day just stay by the pool and not do anything or spend any money.
In an attempt to make myself feel better, I forced myself to start counting how much cash I had. This being the first day I still had pretty much all of my cash. I set up a payment system, so as too ensure I knew how much money I was allowed to spend each day. I’m with that I forced myself to get up and go outside and go to the beach.
While walking around I found a very attractive young lady attempting to surf and of course me being me I’ve briskly walked right past her. She was sitting on the ground and letting the surfboard bump into her with each crashing wave. It was very obvious that she had given up and called it quits. I walked further down the beach trying to argue with myself about every single reason why I shouldn’t turn around. And then, I quit being a fucking pussy turned around walk straight up to her and asked her if she needed help.
As it turns out, she did. I ended up spending the day teaching her and her friend how to surf. After surfing we walked the beach and found a place to have lunch. It was going exceedingly well until the point where she started talking about a guy she almost went home with the night before, and then proceeded to be rude to the waitress. I called her out about the waitress part but the damage been done. I knew that I no longer wanted to see or talk to this girl.
Normally I would argue in my head and go back and forth just trying to fight for as much validation and attention I can get from an attractive member of the opposite sex. But, not this time. This time, after I finished eating, I walked up to our server and asked to pay my portion of the bill separately and then proceeded to go up to the nice ladies excuse myself and walk away from them forever.
This was a step in the right direction and I could feel the pull of my inner demons telling me that what I did was wrong and to try to contact them and maybe it will be different. But I know they’re really saying what they’re really saying is that I could have validation and attention from somebody else and they’re just trying to protect me from my own insecurities. I am grateful for these demons as I know they are protecting me and trying to keep me happy. But I have me to step in the right direction and that’s all that matters. I’m happy with how today went and I’m really see excited to see how tomorrow goes on this trip