About a Girl

This week I met a girl. I think I kind of like her and I think she likes me too.

She came into the bar while I was working. We were talking and flirting, like how I usually do whenever a beautiful girl comes into the bar. This was nothing out of the ordinary and I didn’t think it would go anywhere. She was pretty and my type with her long dark hair, peppy persona, dark skin, and an attitude that said “I’m sexy and I know it but don’t you dare let that define me.” She was showing interest in me, which made me dumbstruck but I passed it off as playful banter. I continued on my night after she left.

The next day, she found me on Instagram and thanked me for taking such good care of her and her friends. I told her that it was my pleasure and I am really enjoyed meeting her. I anxiously awaited her reply but received nothing for the rest of the night. The next morning, I followed up, asking her if she was going to come back and see me again that night so that I could ask her for her phone number in person properly. I waited again and had to wait a few more hours for her reply: “Sure!”

I awaited her arrival and when she showed up I could tell that she was dressed beautifully but also sexy, and I allowed myself to think that maybe it was for me. She was all hugs and smiles but as everyone knows who works on a Friday night, I was simply too busy and focused on work to give her the attention that I so wanted to. After asking her for her number and her putting it into my phone, I went through the rest of my shift with a slight smile and smirk and a sense of pride.

After my shift I went and met up with her and her friends at a local bar. I am one week away from finishing my mental toughness program (the one that includes no drinking). I was about to sit on the bar with a beautiful girl who likes me and not have one sip of alcohol. I was nervous and liquid courage was out of the question. After getting my water, I walked up to her and her group of friends. Her group of friends saw me before she did. The girl I was pursuing had her purse on a chair right next to her, that was obviously being saved for me, which caused all of my nerves to flutter out of my stomach an escape through the smile on my face. As I walked up behind her, I said, ” Excuse me miss, is the seat taken?” She became frustrated and her friends smiled as they saw me smile at her frustration. She turned and looked up to see me and suddenly her frustration disappeared. She leapt out from her chair and wrapped her arms around me with a big smile on her face.

They were drinking and taking shots and I kept sipping on my water. I told the group about my program and how I only had a week left. The guy in the group was really supportive as he was also very fitness savvy and we talked briefly about the benefits of not drinking alcohol. The girl I was interested in is a very small person both in weight and height. She was not a big drinker and seem to feel self-conscious about her being slightly drunk and me being two months sober.

As I got to learn more and more about her, my attraction grew from physical to mental to spiritual. While sitting at a bar on a Friday night, I agreed to go to church with her on Sunday because I told her about my struggle of finding a church that I actually liked. We talked about all the different places we’ve moved to all the weird changes we made in life, and about having no idea what’s going to happen next. It was going perfect and fun and sweet but I must admit that I was smitten.

The weird thing about this story is how I acted. I wasn’t cool. I wasn’t charming. I didn’t say all the right things at the right time, and I definitely didn’t say what I thought I was supposed to say. But, I was relaxed. I wasn’t nervous at all. I walked in with confidence knowing who I was and not willing to compromise who I was regardless of whether or not this group of strangers approved of me or not. I said what was on my mind and I listened genuinely and deeply. I gave everything she said the attention she deserved. She told me that she was getting drunk and tired and usually didn’t stay out late (which I took as a compliment), and I offered to walk her home. Her eyes brightened and said that would be sweet and we talked more.

Somehow we ended up going back to my place. We talked and she had a few more drinks. We made out for hours. In the beginning she told me that she didn’t want to sleep with me. She said that despite how much she was attracted to me and how horny she was, she didn’t want to be that kind of person and she knew that if she did it she would regret it in the morning. I told her that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and that we didn’t need to sleep together if she didn’t want to. I did not bring up this program or that I am taking off a year from sex as honestly I am not sure that given the opportunity I would have been able to resist her.

We talked to much more throughout the night. Everything that I learned more about her led me to be more attracted to her. She kept bringing up how she didn’t want to sleep with me and how she wasn’t going to allow herself to sleep with me. At first I thought it was to convince me and I tried to repeatedly reassure her that it was okay if we didn’t sleep together. After all, It has been 8 months since I have had sex, so what is one more night to me? After a while I realized that it wasn’t her trying to convince me, but her trying to convince herself. She was having a moral struggle between being attracted to me but not wanting to lose herself in the process. I have lost myself over a girl’s many times before. This made me like and respect her more but also gain more of the connection with her as I could see that she really was attracted to me. But, I didn’t want her to lose herself either.

“Hey, you keep bringing this up. I get you don’t want to sleep with me. I know and I get it. How about I make you a promise/deal? You stop telling me you don’t want to sleep with me, and we will sleep together when you are completely 100% ready and not a minute before.”

She replied, shocked, “Why would you make that promise? Why would you be ok with that? No guy is ok with that.”

“It’s easy,” I replied smiling at this beautiful girl in my arms, ” I want you to want to sleep with me. I want you to have no regrets about it. I don’t want to need to convince you to have sex with me. That’s just insulting.”

She smiled and kissed me passionately. We pinky swore and kissed our pinkies. It was cute haha.

The morning was more of the same and as I took her home we agreed to still go to church and breakfast on Sunday morning. We have been texting as much as possible as both her and I have to work, but I feel like we are also both relishing in the great night we had with a complete stranger. We were able to be ourselves and be comfortable in our own skin around positive people.

Edit/update:

It is now Sunday. She texted me last night while I was at work to text her in the morning to wake her up. I responded that I would.

I texted her twice and called her. After the time of us going to church I have sent her another text asking what happened and if she is ok. I have still heard nothing. I am so confused as this was her idea and she confirmed it with me last night. This sucks. I actually really liked her and she ghosted me. To be honest, it hurts. I got my hopes up again. I’m just not sure what happened.

I get church is personal, but we could have stuck with breakfast, or at least text me so I am not sitting like an idiot waiting for her to show up.

Just sucks.

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