Ex Machina

*The young lady in this story will be referred to as “She” to protect her privacy.

She finally messaged me back later on Sunday afternoon. Although she didn’t technically apologize, I could tell she was sincere in feeling guilty about it. She slept in and spent the day with her family (it was Father’s Day after all) and we talked late into the night. I know this might seem dumb, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, which I did and if it happened again I would know my answer and be able to move on without feeling like a cynical prick.

This leads us to Monday. She had a long day and invited me to come over whenever she got off. She apologized about the lack of organization as her job often ends at random times and she never has a set out-time. I, being in the food service industry, completely understand and get called in to all kinds of terrible hours. I offered to bring food and she said accepted. Before buying food and heading over, I texted her to get confirmation (fool me once). She responded and said she couldn’t wait to see me.

I brought over steak and potatoes with a steak salad. We shared all of it. She told me that if she was on death row that her last meal would be what we just ate. It felt amazing and kissing her feels like kissing the petals of a flower. She was very grateful and sweet. She made us plates and was rather thrown off when I started doing the dishes. It was fun and genuine and just felt right.

We went into her room to watch a movie. I expected something romantic or a scary movie or something random that I would barely pay attention to. She asked if I had seen a movie called Ex Machina. I hadn’t and she got excited and put it on as it was her favorite movie. It is a movie about A.I. and I basically dismissed it as such. I was more focused on kissing the beautiful woman next to me. That is, until the movie mentioned something that caught my ear and literally stopped me mid-kiss.

The movie mentioned the Turing Test, which is a test given to see if you are talking to a computer or an actual human being. Everyone who has been asked by an attractive profile on the internet for their credit card has performed some form of Turing Test to determine it wasn’t a real person but a bot. The reason I stopped is because there is a video game called the Turing Test that absolutely fascinates me. The psychoanalytical debate behind what is or is not “human” has always intrigued me and it led me to actually start watching this movie more in depth and discussing little points of interest with She. When I told She about the correlation between the move and the video game , we had a nice little conversation about it. Like, a really nice intellectual debate about it. Then, we talked about the video game and she asked me about the console I play on. She then told me that no one wanted to play Call of Duty with her and you can guess my reaction to that. I can describing our night in sequential order but let me give you a quick list

Badass things we talked about:

  • Turing test
  • Video Games and consoles
  • Classical music
  • Ernest Hemingway
  • Movies
  • Art
  • Tony Robbins
  • Trump’s political campaign
  • How absolutely fucking scary Hilary Clinton is
  • Vision Boards
  • Camping and golfing
  • Fishing and Hiking
  • Insecurities and overthinking
  • The importance of honesty and straightforwardness.
  • More things that I don’t remember

It was intense and insane. Everything we talked about was just perfect. It was well thought through and even things we didn’t agree on still led to a respectful conversation that included intense yelling and laughing. I wanted to keep talking to her but we also couldn’t stop kissing each other. It was a weird catch-22 that I wouldn’t have changed for anything.

And then we slept together. I broke my vow. I made it 8 months without sex, but I just could not resist her and I honestly did not want to. We both wanted to wait. She has told me that she wasn’t sleeping with anyone and that she didn’t want to. There is something she is holding back that she isn’t telling me, but I am also not in a place to ask. I am doing this journey and am not supposed to be sleeping with anyone, but I felt such a connection with this girl. She is not only stunning, but also smart and interesting and fun. So much so that it confused me.

I started overthinking everything. I started second guessing and analyzing. I didnt know what to do, but I remembered what I learned: If you are awkward or uncomfortable about something, don’t try to dismiss it but present it bluntly and talk about it. If the person really cares about you, they will listen. She did listen and she responded and she told me about things she was awkward and nervous about. We talked and connected and at the moment we both just looked at each other and submitted to one another.

It was beautiful and passionate and hot and fun and it scared the absolute hell out of me. It was too good. It felt too right. It made me very happy and that felt wrong. I felt like I failed this program (because I did), but I also felt like I did the right thing. It was confusing and I felt guilty. Part of me still does.

That didn’t stop us from doing it three times though. What? If I am going to fail I am going to fail like a mother fucking champion.  And, it was good. Really good. The things we said and did lined up so perfectly and she looks so amazing naked. She has the body of a goddess and fucked like a hellcat. I cant even slightly begin to blame myself for giving in to her, and I hope she feels the same about giving in to me.

I do need to think about what happens now and slow down. It was very overwhelming and I don’t want to put her on a pedestal. I want to like her for her and not make up a fantasy. It’s overwhelming but also amazing. I just need to stay in control.

Tonight will be the first time I see her since that night. I don’t know what is going to happen and I suddenly just got really nervous. More to come.

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