Me and She didn’t work out. I wanted to wait until I got the full story before posting. It was a roller coaster of a ride and I didn’t know how it was going to end up. Now that I have the full story it has simply been absolute chaos.
I don’t want to talk ill of her. She made me very happy and excited to get back into the dating scene. When we did hang out, it was fun and relaxed and filled with smiles and flirting and kissing. She is smart and beautiful and I wish her the best.
I did learn to trust my instincts though. I should say, re-learn. There were a few opportunities to see the real She, and it wasn’t good. The time she was rude to the wiater, hit on the bartender right in front of me to get free drinks, and made fun of some poor girl sitting next to us for literally no reason. There was also the time she caused a huge scene in front of a group of my friends because she thought I was trying to sleep with them. When she confronted me later that night I asked if we could discuss it in the morning because we were both drunk and I had work a 12-hour day. She told me to “Man up and quit being a little bitch”.
Even still, after all of that, I still helped her move into her apartment and met her dad, just to be told that the reason she blew me off/ditched me four times was because she still had feelings for her ex and the those were the times she had been with/talking to him.
Essentially, when She was with me she actually wished she was with him. That is the part that hurts because that is the part that is most relatable. I have been there. I have missed my ex when trying to get close to someone new. I have compared and seen her face when out on a date or in moments of passion. I’ve missed her.
But, I still showed up. I still made a point to be with the one I was with. With all the good that came with my ex, there were boat loads of bad. If I was still with her, I wouldn’t have had the self esteem to leave. I wouldnt have been able to look at She and tell her that I deserve better. It is easy to cancel plans. It is easy to let someone know you are not showing up. It takes a certain type of person to ditch/blow someone off. It is mean and cruel and hurts.
This was the first girl I have had sex with in eight months. I broke my celibacy for her. I even told her that and she took it as a compliment. She said that it meant something to her. She said that I meant something to her.
I do not regret it. I am happy it happened. I am happy I met her. She showed me that I have gained the strength to walk away. She showed me that I do deserve better. That is a new feeling for me. It came as a result of pain, but it still matters. It still counts. I still matter and I deserve to be happy and to be someone’s first choice. I am not a runner-up.
Now what? Do I start over? Do i need to go a full year again? Fuck that. This has been crazy but I don’t regret it. She was someone I really liked and had a connection with and wanted to have sex with. That is the way it is supposed to be. That is what felt right. That is what I really wanted: someone to be with and date and hang out with. I missed it. I don’t want to be kept a secret anymore. I want to be made whole.
I am back on track with this blog and the book I am writing. I am working out steadily and going to sleep sooner. Drinking has lost all of its appeal. I have completely given up on beer and have resolved to only drink on special occasions. I like being in control of my life. Heart break sucks but it is a catalyst. My life is better now and soon it will grow even more.
Lessons learned: trust your instincts, just because you cant explain how you feel doesn’t mean you should dismiss it, listen to actions not words, always eat before a date, make sure you have backup alcohol at home, make sure her drinking habits match yours, don’t trust people who don’t know their limits, smile always, and trust a few friends with personal information and never someone who demands your personal information.
I’ll write soon. God bless. 5 months to go.