When You Feel Weak

Do you ever just miss someone that you know is bad for you? Moments of weakness, moments of pure happiness, or just simply moments were you don’t want to be alone, and this person pops into your head and all you wish she would do is reach out to you. You want to call. You want to text. You want to show them how much you think about them. You wished that they knew how much they meant to you and how much you tried. You wish they knew how much you wish you could forgive them.

Why does it have to be like this? We are in a world where everything is at our fingertips. You can take a 5-minute test online for free to see how you reflect and accept love. You can show someone these results as if you are giving them an instruction manual of how to care about you, but they still don’t.

There is still someone else. There is always someone else. I have been that someone else. 

This world gets so lonely. I’m not someone who cares easily. In general I don’t particularly like people.

I’m realistic. I know it’s just a phase. I know it’s just a bad feeling. I know that one day I’ll find someone and I won’t be alone again for at least 50 years. I know I should take this time right now to enjoy me; to do everything that I want to do and become the person that I want to become. Become the person that my future wife will be proud of. I know that right now out there she’s looking and waiting for me too. But that doesn’t help right, now does it?

I miss the feeling of waking up next to someone. The feeling of annoying whoever I’m laying next to (I’m a morning person). I miss text messages. I miss phone calls. I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling cared for. 

I know that these feelings were few and far between when I was with you. They didn’t happen as much as they should have and when they did they were happening for someone else too. But they did happen and just getting a taste of that is a reminder of what I truly long for.

Back to the routine. Back to the day to day grind. Back to making myself better for me and for someone I haven’t met yet. Just know that wherever you are out there, I’m thinking about you. I miss you and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I don’t know if you’re thinking about me and I guess I’m sure if it doesn’t really matter. How or if you care about me doesn’t influence whether or not I can think or care about you. It’s just another little reminder of how life isn’t fair. But then again, who said life was fair in the first place?

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