Progress?

I got an email today from an ex. I shouldn’t say an ex. The Ex. Everyone has that one ex. There have been girls or guys or both in the past, but The Ex left you limping and questioning your entire existence. She left you broken down to your foundation to where you needed to rebuild entirely. She changed you forever and left you with a pain that never truly goes away, but is something you just learn to live with. It is a pain that can be rekindled from a smell, a look, a location, or for no fucking reason at all:The Ex.

So yeah, she emailed me today and I would like to post our conversation. This may be confusing, and I will answer any questions, but I feel like this needs to be shared. There was some preliminary stuff that isn’t important about using me as a reference for a job so that’s what the (…) is all about. Also, sorry about grammar and punctuation. I am just copy & pasting to get the authenticity.

…Anyways, Im sorry If i bring up comics alot, Im now a “fan girl” so I love watching and reading comics so sorry if I bring it up. I feel like if you watched the Karadashians and brought Id be happy, so I thought youd like it, although I haven’t seen the last 3 seasons super busy but I would be impressed. But i know you held comics to your heart so Im sorry if it brings any weirdness. Ill stop bring up comics.

… Yes it’s weird. It hurts. You made me hide something I loved and that brought me peace. Something I escaped to when my life was being terrible. I was belittled and made fun of for it. 
Now you are saying all the things that I tried to show you. It’s hard and it sucks and I am just happy that your kids are happy and that you’re the good mom I always knew you were 

I never thought I belittled you 😦 I feel horrible I thought  it was mutual like how I felt about the kardashians which was my escape. Im so sorry cody, Im truly sorry, I did not see it that way. Alot stemmed from [my ex] and my bias towards it from him so I thought it was a karadashian thing,  if I knew it meant that much….god this is why I still feel terrible Im so sorry I ever made you feel ashamed. My new found love and overall acceptance towards it brought me and [my daughter] and my mom closer, I love that about you, im so sorry you felt bad. 

I was supposed to say cinnabon. Whenever you called and asked what I was doing, if it was nerdy I was supposed to say cinnabon because the thought of me doing those childish things was such a turn off and unattractive. I wasn’t even allowed to talk about it. I threw my posters out. My costume. It took me years to be able to put things on my walls again or to take my comics out of the box. This is something that when my parents were screaming and breaking and smashing holes in the walls, these were the heroes I was looking for and trying to be for my mom and my sisters. These were the ones that I would be so I could get out of my house and not be afraid. And you made me feel so bad about it that I hid it away for years. 
At your mom’s house you even asked her and her friends how the coped with dating a guy that was into nerdy things. Same thing with your friend that used to be the manager at [your place of work]. Your mom and her friends said that they were supportive and you just laughed. Your friend took your side and you both left me alone so you could go talk. Leaving me alone with my childish shame.
Even when your daughter showed interest and you came to me asking for insight and advice, you would scoff and roll your eyes anytime you asked me about it. 
I would have given anything to watch the Kardashians complain about their lives with you. Would have given anything to sit on a couch and watch TV and pretend to be a normal couple with you. 
Actually we did. When we got that hotel in [that one place]. We watched a lot and you had it on when you were getting ready. You were excited and defensive of it. It was cute. You looked so beautiful. I was just happy to be with you. 

But that’s not what I said. Everything in italics, I thought about sending. I even wrote it out in an email and left it in the draft folder. I thought about sending it. I wanted to. I wanted to take the pain that I had felt and throw it back at her. I wanted to show her the pain and the hurt and the wounds she left me. I wanted to show her how the wounds had scarred over and now I was stronger and would never let someone belittle my stupid comics again. They are books and they are my escape. They don’t hurt anyone and they matter to me. I shouldn’t be afraid to show that part of me. And so, I’m not.

But, what would be the point of sending that email? To hurt her ? To prove that I am better? No. I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to hurt someone that I loved and that meant so much to me. I am not going to make her feel bad. I just don’t want to do that. It is not so much about who she is or what she deserves (actually it is not about her at all), it is about who I am and who I choose to be.

I forgive you. It’s ok. I should have stood up for myself and been better about us. I hope I never made you feel bad about watching the Kardashians. I didnt secretly start watching the show, but I would have watched it with you to spend time with you. 
The only thing I wouldn’t have watched is Chrisley Knows Best because of that blonde chicks voice. 
I’m happy you have something to share with your daughter and mother. 

I don’t know if this is progress or movement. I don’t know if filtering myself is proper attitude or just pushing down how I feel. I don’t know if this was the right thing to do, but I do know that this felt right and I won’t lose another night thinking about her and what could have been. I know what it was, and I am learning who I am. And, you know what? I am kinda starting to like me.

“You don’t open the door for a girl because she is a lady. You open the door because you are a gentleman.” – I don’t remember who said this. Possible that this is an original.

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